you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
