There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
