Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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