If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
