turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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