last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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