Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
