I wish my penis had an off switch
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize
