This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
