theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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