I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Randomize
