I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
