my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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