youre lurking in front of me
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
