Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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