I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
