i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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