I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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