I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
Do vagina's smell?
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
