I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
It's never too late to be topless.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Randomize
