Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Never underestimate the power of titties
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
