Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
