sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
