Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Terrible idea I love it
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
