I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize