there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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