3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
