the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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