i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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