Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
he told me I talked like a deaf person
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
