we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
that is very illegal...i love you.
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