remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
