i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
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