ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
