I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
