do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Dignity is for republicans.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
My life is pants optional.
Randomize
