Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
