Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize