dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
