there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
