I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
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