i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
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