While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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