you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize
