my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Randomize