haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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