I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
