I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
that is very illegal...i love you.
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