i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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