I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
