i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
