please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
