I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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