nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
It's shark week go big or go home
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
