dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Randomize
