I want to stick my p in your. b.
i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
