I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
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