I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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