I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
