five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
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